Many of the parents that I speak with have concerns about the “lack of motivation” in their young person, so I thought I would share some tips I have come across from Australian clinical psychologist Andrew Fuller regarding this matter, as well as the website Reachout.com and US counselling psychologist, Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D.
The most important thing to know is that not feeling motivated hasn’t really got much to do with motivation. It has more to do with feeling anxious and worried. The formula might look like, Fear + Worry = Loss of Motivation. Motivation which has more to do with overcoming your fears than anything else. It feels much easier to not “put in” than to risk failing at something. Fears loom larger when we try to avoid them.
Regaining motivation is a step by step process. Most people who feel unmotivated think everyone else knows more, is more talented, is smarter and has a lot more brains than they do. However the reality is that it is likely that your young person is more intelligent than they realise. It is also highly likely that most of the people around them in class are not quite as clever as they appear to be. Encourage your young person to build on their strengths and focus less on their weaknesses.
Success in life is about doing more of what you are good at and less of the things you are not good at. Serena Williams is not well known because she can do Maths, Einstein wasn’t well known because he played soccer. When you focus on the things you find more enjoyable and interesting, even the things you find harder become easier.
Getting adolescents motivated to perform the way you want them to can be hard to do, but apart from cases of
depression, I have never really seen an unmotivated young person. However young people may lack the
motivation a parent wants - to try harder, to achieve better, to be a self-starter, to care about doing well, to be more ambitious - but they definitely have the motivation to do what they want (like pleasurable activities) and to avoid what they don't want (like work.)
So in counselling, the ‘unmotivated young person' problem is usually the ‘dissatisfied parent' problem. And this parental dissatisfaction is raised in two ways. There is extrinsic motivation question: "How can we get our teenager to want to do better for us?" And there is the intrinsic motivation question: "How can we get our teenager to want to do better for herself?"
To apply extrinsic motivation, parents usually start by putting faith in power of persuasion -- explaining, urging, and even pleading their case. Appealing to the young person’s understanding, explanation sometimes works, and sometimes not. If the young person is in a resistant place, this reasonable approach can be more irritating than encouraging since it communicates continuing dissatisfaction with how they are performing in life. "Stop lecturing! You've told me all of this before!"
This is when parents often increase extrinsic motivation by offering rewards for improved performance or vowing punishment if behavior doesn't change. The risk here is that both rewards and punishment can be counterproductive. Rewards can be negative, when perceived as threats that benefits will be denied if improvement is not forthcoming. The young person can rebel against being pushed around. And punishment, in the form of criticism, anger or sanctions, can arouse resentment at the hurt, which leads to more active or passive resistance.
A contractual way to state extrinsic motivation might be, EXTRINSIC MOTIVATION = CONDITION + PROMISE. "I will give you what you want if you do what I want," or "I will give you what you don't want if you fail to do what I want." Sometimes a young person will yield and consent to these hard bargaining tactics, and sometimes not.
A more empathetic way to state extrinsic motivation might be, EXTRINSIC MOTIVATION = CONCERN + COMMUNICATION. "I wish you would help me understand how you feel about this so we can discuss it and see what we can work out." Sometimes a young person will feel more inclined to cooperate when feeling less the object of parental control and more the focus of their concern, and sometimes not. Most young people want to be heard by their parents even if their parents don’t agree with their views.
The main thing to remember about extrinsic motivation is that influence is exerted from the outside/in, making the young person’s effort dependent on external pressure or influence. This differs from intrinsic motivation that works from the inside/out, influence generated from personal desire/goals within. Of the two kinds of motivation, the intrinsic is the more powerful because the young person is the source of influence and direction. "I take care of getting homework done because it's my business, not my parents'.When a young person has choice they can consider the consequences to their actions.
A way to state intrinsic motivation might be, INTRINSIC MOTIVATION = SELF-INTEREST + OWNERSHIP. "I want to take charge of what matters to me and be the one who decides to get it done. I want to do it for my sake, not for anyone else." Communicate and be curious with your young person to see what matters to them...see what motivates them, it might be different to what motivates you, but reassure your young person that’s OK too!
If you have any concerns about your daughter please feel free to contact the College Counsellor, Becky Salter via rebecca.salter@syd.catholic.edu.au or ph: 0435 659 694.
Ms Becky Salter, College Counsellor
This article on College life meets The Archbishop's Charter for Catholic Schools -Charter #8
