I read an article recently which was posted on Mensline (an online resource for men), outlining how Dads can improve the relationship with their daughters. The feedback generally that I receive from the young people that I see, is that they want to make their Dads proud, they want to spend more time with their Dads, they want to be heard and their opinions valued not judged, and they want their emotions respected.
I focus today on the relationship between Dads and their daughters as I think sometimes the importance of this relationship gets overlooked, particularly when relationships are breaking down at home between parents and perhaps a tendency for men more so to retreat to work and friends, feeling they are not a required part of their daughter's life and they should stay out of “secret women’s business”. However this prime relationship will stay with your daughter for the rest of her life, affecting and influencing future relationships. The way Dads behave towards others, particularly to women, will help form their daughter’s expectations of how other men behave. By improving your relationship now and making a real effort to have a positive relationship in the future, not only will you have good times together and a strong bond, you will also be helping your daughter to build confidence in herself and to have an expectation of being treated properly by other men in her life.
As your daughters go through developmental changes, they often feel like no one understands them, especially their Dad’s. Dad’s meanwhile may find it hard to adjust to their teenagers not speaking to them. The reality is however that your daughters will talk with you if they feel accepted and not judged. Dad’s and daughters often disagree on many issues including choice of friends, dating, school grades, spending time with the family and so on. But it also OK to agree to disagree and still be a good listener. As a Dad, you want your daughter to make not only good decisions, but more importantly her own decisions while also becoming more independent and responsible. Communication lines need to be opened and it is better if your daughter is open and honest with you about what they are doing, thinking and feeling, rather than hiding it from you.
If you aren’t already actively engaged with your daughter, there’s still time to get to know them better. And below are some tips to help to build your relationship;
Talk. It doesn’t matter what you talk about initially; you just want to get the conversation started. But please make sure it doesn’t turn into a lecture, no advice/judgement to be given unless asked for.
Make sure you are listening to your daughter and show respect for their opinions. They want to know that their thoughts are valued, you don’t have to agree with them, odds are you won’t.
Empathy. Put yourself in their shoes, remember, you were once a teenager too although you can acknowledge things have changed for your teenager and it really doesn’t matter whether you felt the same or not, you are trying to understand their world, not the way your younger self managed your world.
Don’t try to talk to them like one of their friends, just be yourself but do try to “let go” of any slang language they may use when speaking with you, remember no judgment.
Pay attention to their body language. If they are saying they are fine, but they are teary or can’t look you in the eye, tell them you are there for them when they want to talk and that you notice them, tearing up, its Ok to ask “what’s behind the tears?” and it’s OK if they don’t want to talk about it, just accept that they are going through a tough time and acknowledge this, don’t reprimand them for not telling you what’s wrong, show your understanding and compassion instead ie “it must be tough being that sad and not being able to talk about it”.
Schedule in some regular father-daughter time, even if it is simply watching your favourite TV show once a week, it lets them know you want to spend time with them...or ask them to join you in the yard, wash the cars, paint the fence or change a lightbulb as a way to encourage chat.
Take advantage of any opportunity to start a conversation. This can be in the car on the way home, driving lessons or in the kitchen. Don’t miss a chance to talk to your daughter. Over time you will begin to figure out when your teen daughter likes to talk to you. Don’t barge into their room because you have time to talk, try and talk with them on their schedule or ask them when would be a good time to have a chat and make yourself available.
Young people often confide in their friends much more than they talk to their parents, so they may also find it difficult to initiate and hold a conversation with you. Just remember that it is never too late to start improving your relationship. It may be awkward in the beginning but all new things are awkward and we often do our best learning in these spaces. If your daughter needs space and little contact then allowing that to happen shows respect for where they are currently at.
*Please note that these tips assume that Dad and daughter have at least some contact in place. I recognise that is unfortunately not the case for everyone and it can be a very slow process to reconnect with your daughters especially after a break up…so look after yourself during this process.
If you would like to discuss further, there are MensLine Australia counsellors that can help and you can call them on 1300 78 99 78, anywhere anytime. (https://mensline.org.au/being-a-dad/all-the-dads/) or alternatively if you have any concerns about your daughter at school, or wish to discuss specifically how to improve your communication with your daughter, please feel free to contact the College Counsellor, Becky Salter via rebecca.salter@syd.catholic.edu.au or ph: 0435 659 694.
Ms Becky Salter, College Counsellor
This article on College life meets The Archbishop's Charter for Catholic Schools -Charter #8
