In light of the recent focus on Are you OK Day, and the Parent Mental Health Forum held here at the College through the Batyr group, I thought it worth reviewing how to start, hold and continue conversation around mental health wellbeing with your teenage daughters.
Firstly, encouraging household discussions around mental health in general, genuine parent curiosity around what is being learnt in school around mental health initiatives, and how each in the family looks after their own mental health, can be really helpful.
The more open your family discussions are around your own as well as other’s mental health, the easier it will be to discuss mental health issues as they might arise with your teenager. Your children listen and learn from how the family act/react, and respond in stressful situations, how they regulate emotionally and how the family judge others with mental health conditions.
One in five young Australians are dealing with a serious mental illness but more than 60 per cent feel uncomfortable seeking professional support, the most recent report from (Mission Australia and the Black Dog Institute) has found. Young females are twice as likely to be suffering mental health illness as their male counterparts. This research shows young people who are experiencing the greatest distress are also the least willing to seek information or support from counselling services.
So making sure as parents we keep an open dialogue with teens about these issues is critical.
Conversation Starters: Observe: In a non-judgmental way let your daughter know if you’ve noticed:
-That they don’t seem to be hanging out or talking to their friends as much as usual.
-That their school work seems to be suffering. You may notice slipping grades, assignments going undone, or a general lack of interest in anything school related, physical illness with no known cause, such as headaches or stomach problems.
-Their mood seems to have declined for an ongoing period of time. For instance, they may be unusually teary, angry, disconnected/withdrawn, not enjoying their usual hobbies, or develop poor eating/sleeping patterns which may be continuing for more than a few weeks.
As a parent or carer try to…
● Listen. Really listening means stopping the voice in your own head and anything else you are doing and try to actively pay attention to your daughter.
● Ask if they’ve thought about what they might need. If they haven’t, offer support to listen and talk it out with them. If they have, support them in following through with their needs.
● Educate yourself. Learn as much as possible about your daughter’s symptoms and the realities of mental health disorders and mental health wellbeing. Headspace and reachout.com are great resources for information about mental health in young people.
● Offer to keep things confidential, unless it is life threatening.
● Normalize. Assure your child that having a mental health issue is common, and does not mean that they can’t get better. Remember it is not a problem unless it is a problem!
● Acknowledge your fear, but don’t let it rule your behaviours. As a parent it is important that we confront stigma or discrimination directly.
● Be genuine. Teens can see right through an adult who is “faking it.” If you’re feeling uncomfortable in a discussion with a young person, admit it. Say something like, “This is hard for me to talk about, so I totally understand if it’s difficult for you too.”
● Allow for silence. Just like anyone, teens may struggle at times to express what they want to say. Interrupting a silent moment may prevent someone from having enough time to formulate their thoughts—be patient. You may need to try many times before your child opens up but reassure them you are there when they are ready.
● Switch up the setting. Where you have a conversation about mental health could make you or your daughter more comfortable. Maybe taking her out to dinner will help open up conversation. Some adults and adolescents find it easier to talk to a young person while doing another activity, like driving in the car, washing dishes or walking the dog.
● Offer external support, if required and assure your child that information will be confidential.
● Prepare to be an advocate. Finding the right mental health treatment is like finding the right medical provider. It takes time and effort to make sure you’re getting the best care you need.
As a Parent or carer try not to…
● Minimize how your daughter is feeling or tell them “you shouldn’t think that way.” It’s quite difficult to bring up this conversation, remember that they probably worried over it for some time before coming to you.
● Let your emotions rule your response – especially if you’re angry. Negative words (“You’re never going to get it together, are you? ”) can set someone back for a long time and adds to stress and problems. It’s also not uncommon for parents to feel guilt and blame themselves. If your child has a mental health illness, it is not your fault, but you can be part of the solution.
● Tell your child what they should do; instead, ask what they want you to help them with.
● If your child shares about bizarre thoughts or asks about strange sounds or sights, pay attention and explore. These experiences may be early warning signs of more serious mental health problems. Acting early can change the trajectory of their lives.
● Argue or take it personally, if you encounter resistance from your child. Go back to listening, asking open ended questions and just repeating what they’ve said to show you are listening.
● Compare your child to their siblings. “Your brother doesn’t have these problems. Why can’t you be more like him?”
The more normal and regular we make conversations about mental health within our family, the easier these conversations will become. And we know that one conversation can be pivotal when it comes to getting a young person facing a mental health challenge, the help they may need. Of course if you wish to discuss the above or have any concerns for your daughter, please feel free to contact me, the College Counsellor, Becky Salter via rebecca.salter@syd.catholic.edu.au or ph: 0435 659 694.
Ms Becky Salter, College Counsellor
This article on College life meets The Archbishop's Charter for Catholic Schools -Charter #8