I have recently come across an Australian psychologist/author, Karen Young, who has a website bringing a sense of plain talking to the world of psychology, her website is https://www.heysigmund.com/ (worth having a look at), and I thought I would share parts of her article that really captured the frustration that both parents and young people have when anxiety becomes unmanageable and some practical tips to avoid the avoidance trap that anxiety likes so much!
Most normal feelings of anxiety last for only a short time – a few hours or a day. An anxiety problem or an anxiety disorder is when anxious feelings:
● are consistently very intense and severe
● go on for weeks, months or even longer
● are so distressing that they interfere with young people’s learning, socialising and ability to do everyday things.
As parents we want to provide experiences to our children to promote courage, resilience, resourcefulness and other qualities as they navigate adolescence and beyond. Sometimes though, anxiety will get in their way and it will drive them to avoid the challenges, adventures and everyday life experiences. This can be tough. We know they are strong enough and brave enough, but moving them forward through anxiety can push against every one of our parenting instincts. Something that can make it easier to move them towards brave behaviour instead of away from it, can be understanding how something so right can feel so wrong. Parents are in a powerful position to help reduce behaviours that inadvertently encourage anxiety in their children.
The behaviours that may encourage anxiety include parents supporting avoidance of uncomfortable places, people or experiences, over-reassuring, changing the environment to avoid anything that might fuel anxiety, or accommodating obsessive-compulsive behaviours (either by joining in or making way for them). For example, if a parent received loads of text messages a day from an anxious child, the parent can assist the child by gradually reducing the number of text messages he or she sent back to two or three. Parents of children who refuse or avoid school because of anxiety-driven tummy aches may respond with something like, “ I know you are feeling upset right now and it’s tough, but I know you will be okay,” before sending the child to school.
When our children feel unsafe, their distress will alert us (a bigger, stronger adult) to a possible threat and a need for protection. The human response to threat is the fight or flight response – anxiety. Therefore anxiety in our children is likely to trigger anxiety in us. This is the way the parent-child attachment is meant to work. As loving, committed parents, when our children are distressed, our own powerful, instinctive fight or flight response (anxiety) will motivate us to take action to keep them safe. It’s primitive and it’s powerful, and we’ve been doing it this way for a very long time.
When anxiety gets in the way, it can make it tough for our children to realise – or trust – that as they grow, they are less vulnerable and more capable of being brave. It’s completely understandable that as loving parents, we would respond by ‘protecting’ them because that’s what we’ve always done.
